ThisTooShallPass

Who else is tired of school?

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Key To Happiness in Dorm Life #6

Learn How To Deal With Drunk People (Girl Edition)

We all learned from that one Glee episode that there are 5 kinds of drunks. Being in residence at Western has allowed me to encounter all of these girls on a regular basis,  so heres my suggestion on how to handle them. 

1. The Weepy, Hysterical Girl Drunk

These girls start crying over anything and everything. Her boyfriend looked at another girl? Prepare yourself. Bring up anything that reminds her of her past? Hold on to your fucking hats. These girls are best known for wailing incoherently while hugging you and getting mascara all over your new top. Their unstable attitude can turn from sad to angry to banshee to grudge all within a matter of seconds, so keep your head in the game. Step one is to agree with everything she says about other people, and disagree with everything she says about herself. Step two is to get yourself some earplugs, its going to be a long night.

2. Angry Girl Drunk

These girls are perhaps worse than the Hysterical Girl drunk because rather than cry, they are a similar shoe spotting away from physically harming anyone in sight. These are the girls that you see yelling at the bouncer/cab/girl in line/sidewalk and starting catfights. Ways to handle these girls are to lock them in a closet with water and a box of crackers till morning, because nothing you do can stop them. 

3. Stripper Drunk

This type of girl will be naked within the first 5 minutes of pre drinking. Also referred to as the “Horny Girl Drunk”, this girl will for reasons unknown give everyone lap dances and pop her booty. While guys appreciate this, The Angry Girl Drunk will not be too pleased with her, so be prepared to separate the two ladies. The stripper girl is also the same person that may lose particular items of clothing at a party, so be sure to grab the host’s number before leaving. On the bright side, they may also gain items of clothing at a party, just make sure they dry clean it first. 

Side note, make sure they don’t attempt to pole dance on any supporting beams in the basement…no one likes a broken ceiling. 

4. Happy Girl Drunk

The Happy Girl drunk is that girl thats super friendly with everyone and laughs at everyones lame jokes. However, they can easily take the role of that “upbeat morning person” that everyone loathes, so be sure to keep them around other Happy Girl Drunks, so they can bond over their hair/nails/clothes/boyfriends/fingerprints.

5. Needy Girl Drunk

This type of drunk is easy to spot as they are normally hanging off guys at a party. These are the girls that sloppily say “I laaaahhhvvveeeeee yyyyouuuuuuuzzzz” while latching onto someones ankle. Step one is to kill their phone battery to stop them from texting ex boyfriends or their moms. Next, lock them in the closet with the angry girl drunk, their bond to have some great conversations.